I Am Absolutely Going To Let The Hooded Murder Mommies From Resident Evil Village Cut Me Open

The tall vampire mommy from the upcoming Resident Evil Village made waves on the internet. Sure, it was slow-going at first – I was simping for her creepy crawly feet way before the rest of y’all. Luckily, though, everybody else caught up and got on the same page. Now, the gaming community has embraced their collective thirst and can’t get enough of Tall Goth Vampire Mom.

But with yesterday’s Resident Evil Showcase stream came a… revelation. See, we got plenty of new footage of Dom-y Mommy Zombie, and don’t get me wrong: it was some primo stuff. She glared menacingly, made devious plans, grinned like a hungry piranha, tortured Ethan… all the stuff that made us fall for her to begin with. There’s not a doubt in my mind that, come May 21, our favorite Mombie (that’s a “mom zombie,” remember?) will blow our collective minds.

… out of our heads.

… with a gun, probably. I digress.

However, the revelation I’m referring to here has nothing to do with her. Instead, it’s her… daughters? Friends? Polycule? Look, I’ll be real with you here: I don’t really know the relationship between Big Mombie and her gaggle of hooded ghoulfriends, nor do I really care. All I know is that there’s a girl gang of hooded ladies with knives that want coo into my ears as they rip my guts out.

If you know anything about me, you’ll know that’s extremely relevant to my interests. The less “nice and normal human” and more “I will literally end your life right now” a female character is, I’m probably going to develop some weird fixation on her. It’s just how I am! With that said, then, I’m fully ready to submit myself to Resident Evil Village’s cavalcade of cultist cuties and just get my entire spleen ripped out from my stomach… lovingly.

I recognize that most people will probably be skeeved out by bedraggled, dirty, giggling women in robes trying to gouge out their lungs. Most people will also be freaked out by just how happy they are about murder – in the trailer, the women rejoice about getting to kill a man for the first time in a while. Personally, I don’t think it’s all that creepy. This is their castle in their village, and if some rando chud bursts in with the help of Macho Man Chris Redfield, they’re well within their rights to murder the fuck out of Ethan. Not only that, but their cloying coos and whispers indicates a deep sweetness to the women, meaning that they’re probably not all that evil.

Also, it’s hard for me to get mad about a gang of women who get happy about killing men. That objectively rules.

So if Big Mommy and her hooded witch wives want me, they can have me – any part of me. No, really. Arm? Leg? Uvula? It’s theirs. I’m not saying that my playthrough of Resident Evil Village is going to turn into an extremely consensual re-do of Boxing Helena, but…

Oh, who am I kidding? Yes it is.

Next: Resident Evil Village Demo “Maiden” Offers A Terrifying Tour Of Castle Mitrescu

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Bella Blondeau is a lovable miscreant with a heart of gold… or so she says.

She likes long walks in dingy arcades, loves horror good and bad, and has a passion for anime girls of any and all varieties. Her favorite game is Nier: Automata, because she loves both robots and being sad.

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