Elden Ring may be a hard game, but that doesn’t mean it always has to take itself seriously. As you make your way across the Lands Between, you will meet a variety of quirky characters. Some will help you, others will attempt to kill you, and sometimes they will even try both.
With such a strange batch of characters, there are a few that stand out as particularly amusing. But before you go ahead and slay everything in your sight, try your best to hear out those you meet. You may even stumble upon an unexpected quest line, or at the very least, a humorous interaction.
Patches is a deceitful vagabond, who always seems to find himself whisked into each new FromSoftware installment. Since his first appearance in Demon’s Souls, Patches has become a recurring character, prone to backstab you the first chance he gets. In Elden Ring, you will first meet Patches in Murkwater Cave.
As you go about your looting, opening a chest in the boss room will cause Patches to leap at you, accusing you of thievery. However, his ire is short-lived. As soon as you smack him down to half health, Patches will immediately surrender. Despite instigating the fight, he will amusingly cower under his shield and beg for your forgiveness. If you accept, you will become the proud owner of the Grovel for Mercy gesture and start his quest line.
6/7 Boc The Seamster
Boc is a timid yet kind demi-human who will adjust your armor after you give him sewing tools. Boc is probably the nicest character you will meet in the Lands Between, and it’s tragically funny to think that the poor guy has found himself living in a world as cruel as this. Boc has a self-esteem issue, and by completing his quest line you can help him feel beautiful.
He is actually a relatively heart-warming companion to have considering how dark the game can be. If you really like Boc, don’t give him a Larval Tear when he requests one. It’s in your best interest.
5/7 Dung Eater
The loathsome Dung Eater is a curse-obsessed warrior who is a self-proclaimed scourge upon the living. He takes himself very seriously, and constantly speaks about his atrocious actions and desire for violence. All of these traits add up to make a real villain, but his name is just so crude that it makes his overly serious nature funnier than it has any right to be.
Dung Eater doesn’t let it get him down though, as he actually seems proud to refer to himself by this title. If you decide to finish his questline by giving him five Seedbed Curses, you can obtain his armor set and also take up the dung-eating mantle.
4/7 White Mask Varre
Varre will likely be the first NPC you meet when you step foot into Limgrave. He stands right next to The First Step Site of Grace and serves to point you in the right direction. However, first impressions aren’t exactly his strong suit. Varre will be quick to call you maidenless, and that you’re likely destined for death. With his unimposing appearance, this may leave you thinking it’s time to take this guy out and make off with his loot.
That would be a mistake, as Varre will immediately pull out his bouquet of flowers. While this may be amusing, you will quickly have a new lesson smacked into you. Violence isn’t always the answer in Elden Ring.
Miriel, Pastor of Vows is a name that probably evokes the image of a priest. So when you find him in the Church of Vows, it will probably come as quite a surprise to see a giant turtle instead. Affectionately referred to as ‘turtle pope’ by the community, Miriel even has a cute little mitre sitting on top of his head.
Miriel is a very useful NPC, as he teaches both sorceries and incantations, but the fact that he just happens to be a big turtle makes it hard not to crack a smile. It would take a really cold heart to attack the peaceful turtle pope.
2/7 Iron Fist Alexander
Iron Fist Alexander is a chivalrous warrior who just so happens to also be a giant living jar. As you travel through Limgrave, you will eventually hear a charismatic voice call out for help. It may take you a moment to realize that the voice is coming from a partly submerged jar in the ground. Alexander is the definition of 'looks can be deceiving.'
If you decide to free him from his earthen shackles, by repeatedly smacking him on the back, Alexander will share his dream of learning the ways of war. His goal is to head east and fight in the Caelid combat festival. His urn-like appearance is undoubtedly a funny first impression, but exploring his questline will have you growing surprisingly attached to him. Your final meeting is sure to be memorable.
The art of t-posing has finally found a mascot, and it’s none other than the enigmatic Goldmask. The ever-silent figure can be found striking a variety of poses as you catch him throughout various points of the game. When you eventually find him in the Mountaintops of The Giants, he is quite literally t-posing towards the Erdtree. It’s a fun nod to the default stance that animators use whenever they need to animate a 3D model.
What makes this even funnier is that his follower, Brother Corhyn, interprets the “rhythms and calculus” of Goldmask's fingers as a sign of suspicion against the holy Golden Order. Corhyn is actually on his knees in terror at his master’s ridiculous stance.
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